Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
soo... how was my night?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
