Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
