i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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