Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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