She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
