reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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