its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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