just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
