Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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