I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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