I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
