That's intense
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
