i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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