i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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