I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
