I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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