YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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