Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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