literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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