yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
