I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
