Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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