you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
