i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
