Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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