I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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