The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
