I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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