I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
