My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
There are leaves in my underwear?
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