you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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