All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
