I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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