Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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