Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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