You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
