I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
