What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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