Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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