Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
