I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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