I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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