I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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