he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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