Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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