you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm just crazy horny about you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Randomize
