Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
