My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
