All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
