In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
