he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
