Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
