he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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