I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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