That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
