He kissed a someone with a penis
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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