Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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