I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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