he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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