she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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